GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WHEN YOUR HEART IS HEAVY

According to a 2006 survey of over 3,000 adults by Mental Health America, the top three holiday stressors are 1/ finances (40%); 2/ memories of loved ones who have passed away (37%), and 3/ having too much to do (34%). Most people can identify with all three of these stressors at some point during the typical holiday season. This year, especially because of our downward economy and increase in joblessness, the stressors may be more intense than usual. With the addition of grief for a loved one, whether new or long term, the holidays can be excruciating. However, there are tips to help you maintain a positive mental health outlook.
• Make prayer the beginning point of every day. Centering yourself in Christ and asking for His help for whatever you may face for that one day instead of asking Him to help you throughout the entire holiday season will help you to focus on one day at a time. It is much easier to be positive when only looking at the immediate present.
• Make use of Advent services to provide inner strength and focus on the real message of Christmas
• Take time for yourself, but include time as well for other people you enjoy, whether family or friends.
• Set aside times for rest, especially if your loss of a loved one has been recent or the feelings are very acute. Grief affects every aspect of your life--physically, mentally and emotionally.
• Be open with your family about your grief. Respect their feelings if different from yours but make plans together so there are no surprises. Compromise if possible. If you can’t afford to buy gifts or can’t face the shopping hassle due to grief, think of creative gifts that cost no money, such as doing services for those you love. Many times, these gifts mean more to those we love than bought ones.
• Shield yourself. Limit your time at gatherings of family or friends if you don’t feel you can handle them well. Even though we may feel bound by holiday protocol to spend a lot of time with family, not all family members are easy to be with. Realize that most families, not just yours, include difficult people.
• Allow back-sliding when it occurs. Some days are easier to handle than others and back-sliding is a part of working through grief. Don’t demand the impossible if it is a bad day.
• Enjoy times of laughter and fun.
• Allow tears when they come. If your loved one passed away over a year ago, people may expect you to “get over it”. Realize and accept that grief is personal and doesn’t fit a time scale. It is not unusual for you to feel sad, especially during the holidays or special anniversaries and birthdays for years after someone close to you dies.
• Journaling the events and your feelings each day has been shown to provide therapeutic help in times of loss. It will also give you evidence that you are gradually getting over the loss.
• Change a tradition. Recognize that holidays won't be the same. If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed. Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past. You may want to let your children handle Christmas dinner or begin holiday celebrations by lighting a special candle and saying a prayer to honor your loved one.
Most of all, don’t be hard on yourself. Lutheran Counseling Center can provide a grief support group for members of your church if needed. For some people, engaging in individual counseling is even more helpful by having undivided time with a professional Christian counselor who understands and can provide the support needed for personal healing. Call us at 516-741-0994 if we can help.