Some wise man once said, “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.” Perhaps the biggest challenge for an intimate couple relationship is discovering how you can “be there” for each other, despite your differences and other inevitable obstacles that arise when two people share a life together. It is obvious that trust between partners is very important for a successful marriage relationship.
Research is showing that TRUST is what couples struggle with most in the first five years of marriage. “Can I trust you … to help me … to be there for me … to be loyal?” Sadly, sometimes low levels of trust, deception and betrayal can weaken and even destroy the marriage bond of trust.
Speaking of trust, there are some important relationship skills which are essential in three interactional settings in a marriage: 1) in everyday interactions, 2) in dealing with disagreements and conflict, and 3) in helping each other heal from earlier emotional wounds (often from childhood). When these skills are learned and practiced with care and compassion, over time and in many tiny relationship moments and interactions, trust is built between partners. If trust is lost for some reason, it is rebuilt in the same way.
Attunement is a vital key to building trust in a marriage – partners attuned to each other. After work together as a couple, the goals (seen in the following acrostic) can be accomplished:
| A= | Awareness: Each partner is aware and mindful of their partner’s and their own feelings, emotions, moods, hurts and joys. You are tuned into yourself and each other. | |
| T= | Turning Toward: When receiving an emotional bid (perhaps a question, statement, request, gesture or facial expression) from your partner, you do not turn away or against them but toward your partner in an effort to meet the need being expressed. | |
| T= | Tolerance: Each partner is able to tolerate their partner’s expression of negative feelings, hurt, frustration, anger, etc. while responding with care and compassion. You frequently ask for, give and receive forgiveness from each other. | |
| U= | Understanding: Each partner, in all conversations together, tries to clearly understand the other’s ideas, feelings and perspective, and accepts them as valid. | |
| N= | Non-defensive Responding: Each partner can control their own reactions in the face of the other’s reaction – you can listen to your partner’s negativity with understanding, empathy and compassion. | |
| E= | Empathy: Partners frequently empathize with each other and share their heartfelt understanding of the feelings and emotions their partner is experiencing. | |
| Trust is built slowly over time as couples practice this kind of attunement with each other. Sometimes, in working on being more attuned to each other, couples find counseling helpful in learning some new skills and getting some new insights about themselves and their relationship. That’s one of the services of the Lutheran Counseling Center. Feel free to call us or refer couples to us we can be of help. | ||
*Much of this information was gleaned from a lecture the writer attended presented by Dr. John Gottman (a leading researcher in couple relationships) in Atlanta, GA, at an Imago Relationship Conference, October, 2010.
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You may reach the Lutheran Counseling Center at 516-741-0994 or 1-800-317-1173 or e-mail us at [email protected]. LCC has nine counseling sites in and around metropolitan New York.
