Counselor’s Corner

In Search of the Masculine Self

Rev. Dr. David Elseroad, LMFT

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“You are the man.”—2 Samuel 12:7

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The Image and the Reality
November is Men’s Health Awareness month. Although often seen as strong, invincible, and able to handle whatever life ‘throws at them’, a closer look at men in our lives can reveal a painful portrait of isolation, anxiety, depression and rage. Many men are hurting, and as a consequence, so are their relationships.

A Man’s World?
It’s never been easy being a man, navigating the development of a strong and healthy male identity, and even less so today. Skills in which women excel such as open communication and social orientation put men at a disadvantage. It’s no longer a “man’s world,” and values typically seen as male are no longer as prized by society. The culture has undergone dramatic shifts, leaving men confused, anxious and frustrated about their place and role in the world.  All the while, man’s anxiety about proving his masculinity shows up in risky behaviors and higher rates of alcoholism, suicide and early death. No wonder a Atlantic Monthly cover story could trumpet “The End of Men.”

Two Types of Males
Gender may have a biological basis, but the construction of the masculine self is a lifelong project, constantly revised. From infancy on, males take on two quite different ways of being:  the Alpha male’s proudly assertive, autonomous, aggressive nature; and the more reflective, sensitive nature intent on attachment and connection. Throughout life, the male will oscillate between these two “positions,” with the task of realizing his male ego ideal through their integration. That may take many shapes and forms, for there is no one set pathway to male identity and a wide spectrum of masculinities—the artist as much as the athlete, the “life of the party” as much as the strong, silent “Marlboro Man.” 

The Challenges Never End
Life experiences, culture and faith all have their impact. Often boys are not allowed to be boys, resulting in guilt and hidden shame.  Developing later than girls, they experience more early failures. Moving from attachment to the mother and longing for the father and his blessing mark their journey of individuation-separation. Today, many young men isolate in a fantasy world of video games, with yet more shame; the male slacker, in a rut, without viable prospects of career, marriage or family, seething with anger. The married/partnered male encounters other challenges, the pressures of work and home and holding at bay dashed dreams and creeping disillusionment. And the man advancing in age must again define his masculine self, with emerging inner potentialities of integrity and gratitude, as life nears its end. 

Getting to Know Oneself
Men are hurting, both in self and in relationships. Yet they do not ordinarily seek out help; two-thirds of psychotherapy clients are women.  But my experience with male clients and in facilitating men’s groups has convinced me that contrary to the stereotypes, men soon welcome the opportunity to express themselves, to tell their story and examine it, and in so doing come to know self and one another in a deeper, affirming way.  The life of faith can be of great benefit in this process– the Gospel’s declaration of divine love, in the gift of the created, redeemed and Spirit-endowed self powerfully anchoring and liberating the male identity. Women can reach out to the man in their life by recognizing and affirming his uniqueness as a male; by listening with care when he wants to talk; by supporting participation in a men’s group or individual therapy; and by just being with him in his “search of the masculine self.” 

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The Rev. Dr. David Elseroad LMFT, is pastor of Trinity Lutheran Church in Hawthorne, NY.  Dr. Elseroad, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, is fluent in French and Spanish. His professional background includes work in multicultural ministries and experiences as pastor, hospital chaplain, missionary and teacher. He counsels teens, couples, adults and families.

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For a counseling appointment, call LCC at 1-800-317-1173.
All sessions are virtual at this time.

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